Sorry I haven't written in a while, it is a lot harder to get into the habit of writing this than I thought. It is now February vacation, and I have several things I just need to get off my chest and sort out. Fist of all I need to talk about My AP classes. I decided at the end of last year that my junior year should be full of AP classes so that I could be ready for college. For the most part I am doing well in these classes. In AP Calc I'm getting an 88, in AP English I'm getting a low 80, and in those classes I'm not worried. I'm not saying those classes are easy, they cause my stress every day, but the class that is the absolute hardest and most stressful is AP History. There is so much work. Each chapter is 30 pages long and we do a chapter a weak. My teacher Mr. L expects us to "deep read" each chapters, then "deep read" it again while taking notes, THEN reread it AGAIN to make sure we got everything. All that on top off all the other homework we have. This is an insane amount of work for every one in the class. For me it takes even longer because of my learning disability.

Now, unlike every other person I talk to, I am NOT using my learning disability as a crush or excuse not to do my homework. I'm also not saying that my disability should be disregarded. I have no idea how to treat my disability, or how to talk about it with others. When I talk to my mom she says things "I understand why your failed your quiz, your disability makes reading hard". When I talk to my dad he either tells me my disability is in my head or I'm using it as an excuse to fail. When I talk to my friends they say thing like "You need to do something to cure it, to make you read faster".

Any way, I can't seem to keep up with the class. I feel like crap about it. I've fail all of the quizzes I've gotten in the past few weeks. I just can't seem to understand it. I spend almost every free moment studying for this class and I'm still sweating in each class praying to God he doesn't ask me a question. It probably isn't as bad as I think, I do hang out with people that are very smart and push themselves up and beyond, but still, a 37 isn't really "up and beyond" and I think virtually everyone would dislike this grade. I just feel like shit. All I do is work my ass off for this class and then I fail. I even tried copying notes off the internet to use on the quiz. I told myself that I would read the chapter and add to the copied the notes. But I never got to that point. When I actually took the quiz I forgot my notes in front of the computer and then fail the quiz because I couldn't remember anything I had copied down. I wish I had read the chapter, especially since he busted our class for cheating that day too. It wasn't over the notes I had copied, it was for cheating on online quizzes. I wasn't part of that, not that i didn't think about it. To me that was going to far. At least with copying notes I still had to answer the quiz questions on my own, but the cheating on online quizzes someone you got all the answers before you took the quiz.

Any way, I'm tired, and need to go to bed. I still have things I want to write about, so I'm going to try and post tomorrow.

My Past

Like many kids, my parents are divorced. I remember when they first started fighting. I don't mean those squables that married couples ocassionally have, but REAL fights. There was this one, it is the one that I remember the best. I was four. My parents were really going at it and they weren't paying any attention to me. They didn't even know that I was watching them. I got so sick of the fighting I dragged my little plastic table into the kitchen and then searched through my toy tool box for my plastic hammer. I slammed that hammer against that table screamming "order! order!" until I burst into tears. I'm not sure where four year old my came up with that idea, but it stopped them from fighting.

I don't know when my parents actually got devorced, but I do know they started fighting when I was four and my dad build my moms house when I was 8. My sister, being four years younger than me (if you ask her I'm 3 and 3/4th years older), hardly remembers any of it.

I would like to say that is the end of my story, that my partent lived happily divorced for the rest of their lives. But I can't. My parents never stopped fighting. They have been in and out of the court house three times. My dad hardly ever pays child-support on time and the amount he pays is hardly enough to buy my sister and me a bag of rice and cloth to make our own cloths. He is so concerned about hurting my mom he doesn't realize that it hurts me and my sister.

Also both my partents come from crazy families. My mom's family is crazy in a fun way. Not one of my moms sisters has any money. My Aunt H. lives the best. She has a nice house that's a fair size. It's has three bedrooms, two living rooms, a computer room and a kitchen. Because my uncle as a fireman, they decided to start a collection of firetrucks ( I know strange collection that takes up a lot of space but why not?). They also have no kids and are the most sane of the family. My other aunts don't live as well. They live from paycheck to paycheck (like my mom) and they both have 20 year old boys, two of which have been arested/in jail. They're crazy in a way that is hard to explain. I think most of the insanity comes from being poor and maybe from divorces (all my aunts are divorced except for my aunt H.).

My Dad's family is crazy in more of a disfunctional way. To start with my dad's parents were terrible (not to critize my dead grandparents who I love dearly). My grandpa would throw dishes at walls when he got made and I have reason to believe he beat my grandma. Niether of my grandparents were very nice either. Once my mom went to my grandparents house, and my grandmother comes to great them at the door. With one look at my dad she says he has a horrible hair cut then askes if my mother did it. My favorite story about my disfunctional grandparents is the annual holiday one. I can't remember what holiday it was, but every one of those holidays the whole family would get together for dinner. After dinner the the married women at the dinner were forced to try on their wedding dresses and if it fit you got to perade around for every one at the dinner. When my mom was forced to participate in this she flip at everyone there. My dad's sister then joined in and flipped worse than my mom!

I really don't know what I'm doing. I've started countless journals, I've tried writing about the stories I am constantly creating, but nothing works. I'm stressed and feel like there is no one to talk to. I should probably explain that.
I go to a school with less then 300 kids in it, if that many. (By the way, I'm a junior). I'm shy and smart, so naturally I fell into a group that is shy and smart. All my friends are used to getting the best grades in the class, getting praised on every lift of a finger, and being the class example of a perfict student. They all think they're smarter than veryone else, even each other. Eveytime you start to talk about being stressed, failling a test, or having difficulty in a class, you get this feeling that they're judging you. You can vent your having trouble in one class in a particular project, and all of a suddened they start talking to you trying to "explain" the subject to you. More often than not it feels more like their trying to show to you how much more they understand than you. And the few times you actually need them to explain something to you, when you actually say "can help me with this?" they claim they know nothing and leave you in the dark!
Even with personal stuff, like who my latest crush is, I can't tell them. The last time I had a serious crush they went around and told any one they could. People from another state even knew who I had a crush on. I didn't even know the name of some of the kids they told! Every thing I tell them they judge and mock.