My Past

Like many kids, my parents are divorced. I remember when they first started fighting. I don't mean those squables that married couples ocassionally have, but REAL fights. There was this one, it is the one that I remember the best. I was four. My parents were really going at it and they weren't paying any attention to me. They didn't even know that I was watching them. I got so sick of the fighting I dragged my little plastic table into the kitchen and then searched through my toy tool box for my plastic hammer. I slammed that hammer against that table screamming "order! order!" until I burst into tears. I'm not sure where four year old my came up with that idea, but it stopped them from fighting.

I don't know when my parents actually got devorced, but I do know they started fighting when I was four and my dad build my moms house when I was 8. My sister, being four years younger than me (if you ask her I'm 3 and 3/4th years older), hardly remembers any of it.

I would like to say that is the end of my story, that my partent lived happily divorced for the rest of their lives. But I can't. My parents never stopped fighting. They have been in and out of the court house three times. My dad hardly ever pays child-support on time and the amount he pays is hardly enough to buy my sister and me a bag of rice and cloth to make our own cloths. He is so concerned about hurting my mom he doesn't realize that it hurts me and my sister.

Also both my partents come from crazy families. My mom's family is crazy in a fun way. Not one of my moms sisters has any money. My Aunt H. lives the best. She has a nice house that's a fair size. It's has three bedrooms, two living rooms, a computer room and a kitchen. Because my uncle as a fireman, they decided to start a collection of firetrucks ( I know strange collection that takes up a lot of space but why not?). They also have no kids and are the most sane of the family. My other aunts don't live as well. They live from paycheck to paycheck (like my mom) and they both have 20 year old boys, two of which have been arested/in jail. They're crazy in a way that is hard to explain. I think most of the insanity comes from being poor and maybe from divorces (all my aunts are divorced except for my aunt H.).

My Dad's family is crazy in more of a disfunctional way. To start with my dad's parents were terrible (not to critize my dead grandparents who I love dearly). My grandpa would throw dishes at walls when he got made and I have reason to believe he beat my grandma. Niether of my grandparents were very nice either. Once my mom went to my grandparents house, and my grandmother comes to great them at the door. With one look at my dad she says he has a horrible hair cut then askes if my mother did it. My favorite story about my disfunctional grandparents is the annual holiday one. I can't remember what holiday it was, but every one of those holidays the whole family would get together for dinner. After dinner the the married women at the dinner were forced to try on their wedding dresses and if it fit you got to perade around for every one at the dinner. When my mom was forced to participate in this she flip at everyone there. My dad's sister then joined in and flipped worse than my mom!

I really don't know what I'm doing. I've started countless journals, I've tried writing about the stories I am constantly creating, but nothing works. I'm stressed and feel like there is no one to talk to. I should probably explain that.
I go to a school with less then 300 kids in it, if that many. (By the way, I'm a junior). I'm shy and smart, so naturally I fell into a group that is shy and smart. All my friends are used to getting the best grades in the class, getting praised on every lift of a finger, and being the class example of a perfict student. They all think they're smarter than veryone else, even each other. Eveytime you start to talk about being stressed, failling a test, or having difficulty in a class, you get this feeling that they're judging you. You can vent your having trouble in one class in a particular project, and all of a suddened they start talking to you trying to "explain" the subject to you. More often than not it feels more like their trying to show to you how much more they understand than you. And the few times you actually need them to explain something to you, when you actually say "can help me with this?" they claim they know nothing and leave you in the dark!
Even with personal stuff, like who my latest crush is, I can't tell them. The last time I had a serious crush they went around and told any one they could. People from another state even knew who I had a crush on. I didn't even know the name of some of the kids they told! Every thing I tell them they judge and mock.